


Take my heart, pull it apart. And take my brain, or what remains

by little_sleeping_dragon



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:20:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29323857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_sleeping_dragon/pseuds/little_sleeping_dragon
Summary: This spell, the ability to permanently modify his body to make things right, has been something Caleb has been searching for since he was first able to conceive of magic that could do it. So why is he stopping now, when it’s actually in reach? Featuring a mild identity crisis, supportive friends, and a gratuitous interpretation of how dnd magic works.Alternatively titled “the trans hurt/comfort I need to read right now”
Relationships: Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	Take my heart, pull it apart. And take my brain, or what remains

Caleb stares at the ceiling, uncertain of why he’s so conflicted. This is what he’s been searching for, working towards for as long as he can remember. So why is he stopping now, when it’s actually in reach. He knew that the magic existed, spells that can change a person’s form permanently, but until now, he didn’t actually know what they were, or have the magic to cast them. But now, the option is there, just waiting for him to take it. One spell, on a day where they don’t have to fight or run or con anyone. One spell and then he won’t have to worry about the public baths, or if the wrappings on his chest are too tight when they do have to fight, or what people will think. He’ll be one step further from his past, one step further away from the scared child he once was, sculpted, molded, shaped to become a tool of the empire, no free will of his own. 

But what it’s not him? What if that perfect body, the self that he’s envisioned in the past, cast polymorph spells to make a brief reality, isn’t right? What if he loses something in the process? A sharp knock on the door startles him, and he turns to look just as Nott bursts into the room. 

“There you are,” she exclaims, “we were all worried when you just rushed off. You looked at that book then sort of just ran.” 

“I wouldn’t call it running-” Caleb starts before getting cut off. 

“It was absolutely running. You may not have actually run, but we all knew what you were doing.” She stops and looks at him, clearly waiting for some kind of reason or justification. 

“Did you see the book I was reading?” He asks instead of giving a direct answer. Better to let her put the pieces together for herself, maybe it would get him out of explaining. 

“I mean, yes, but isn’t it a good thing? It’s a spell to actually make things, you know, the way you want,” Nott trails off, confused. “Why would you run? We can get you everything you need! Jeter was looking over all of the components and she and I think that everything you either have or we can get here. It’s not hard, you’ve been casting spells that are more complex for ages.” 

“Ja, but they aren’t on people, and,” Caleb starts before realizing that he doesn’t actually have an argument about any of that. “I guess I’m just scared.” 

“Scared of what? We have clerics- Even if Jester’s not like the best cleric ever, we have Caduceus. You’re not going to do it wrong, and we could reverse it if it did go badly.” 

“It’s not that. I know I can do the spell. It’s just…” He trails off, unsure how to say any of it, how to make everything swirling around his head make sense to anyone else. He isn’t even sure it makes sense to him. “I guess I just worry things will change.” 

“That’s kind of the point, right?” Nott shoots back at him, before she softens, “go on though. I’ll tell you if you’re being stupid.” 

“Danke. I suppose you could call this all stupid. I’ve just been so used to how I am, that if I change things, I don’t think I’ll know what to do with myself. That even if I’ve seen how I want to look for short periods of time, it’ll be different I guess when it’s permanent. That I’ve been working toward this, thinking about it, daydreaming about it since I was little, that I worry if I stop having this goal, I won’t know what to do with myself. I’m just scared of the change.” 

The words spill out of him in a rush, tripping over each other as he looks at the floor, the bed, the window, anywhere but Nott’s face. He knows how silly this sounds, how ridiculous it is to be scared of something that he’s been waiting for and talking about for as long as they’ve known each other, something he’s never voiced doubts about before. 

“Oh, that’s all,” Nott replies, sounding mildly surprised but mostly relieved. “We all knew you would have that reaction. You aren’t exactly what one would call self confident in your decisions.” 

He semi-jokingly glares over at her, trying to decide if she’s being serious or trying to lighten the mood. She looks levely back at him, seemingly completely sincere, adding, “I guess we should have said something. But we figured you would have to have some kind of freak out, and sooner is better than later. We wouldn’t want you casting the spell wrong at the last moment and ending up hideous, with an extra arm or something.” 

Caleb starts to protest that he would never cast a spell wrong, he knows enough about magic that even if he was uncertain, he wouldn’t mess up like that, and then he realized she’s teasing. He turns to his friend and smiles. “I supposed that would be terrible. I shall do my best to make it through all limbs intact and no extras.” He pauses, the smile falling off his face as he grows more somber. “I am lucky to have such good friends. I don’t know what I would do without you all.” 

“Make bad choices, probably,” Nott immediately replies. “We all know you’re too smart for your own good. But really, are you that worried about changing? You’ve done things like this before.” 

“I suppose. But those feel different. It was short, and I knew I was coming back to this body, that things would go back to normal. Now, there isn’t going to be a normal. Or at least not the old normal. Things will just change and keep changing and even I don’t know the end result. I know it will be the body of a man, but it’s not like polymorph, you don’t just get to pick or choose. It’s not like I’ll miss my current body, but it’s still what I’ve been living in for my entire life. It feels strange to know that it’ll be so different that people from my past may never recognize me.” He pauses briefly, then continues. “It’s strange to think that the person my parents once knew will be totally gone. Although I suppose that person was gone long ago. And I don’t deserve to grieve what my parents would have thought.” 

Nott looks at him with a sad expression on her face, but chooses not to say anything, “So? People change all the time. None of us are the same as when we met. And it’s not like any of us are normal. We’re a bunch of weirdos. Normal is something that’s for other people. But it’s okay if you aren’t ready. The spell will still be there, and know that you know it, you can do it whenever.”

“Thank you, my friend,” Caleb says. “We should probably get back to the others. I suppose I owe them some kind of reasoning for my sudden disappearance.” 

“You don’t,” Nott interjects, more sharply than he expects. “You don’t owe them anything. This is about you, not them. Go at whatever pace you need. We’ll still be here for you.” They both stand, starting down the stairs to the dining room, where the rest of the party waits. Caleb smiles as the group looks over at them, Beau pulling out the chair he abandoned as they approach the table and sit down. Everyone looks at him expectantly. 

“Well Jester, which of the components did you think we already have? Do you know where we would get the others?” Caleb asks, and immediately, the table erupts in conversation as everyone debates the best place to find obscure herbs in the middle of nowhere farm town they are currently in. Some things may change, but he knows that this chaos will still be here to absorb and support him as long as he needs it.

**Author's Note:**

> Please ignore game mechanics, actual spells that exist in dnd, any kind of timeline, or anything else related to reason in reading this. I am once again shamelessly projecting my own worries onto critical role characters, this time about gender! That’s all there is to this. Please be kind, this was not proof read in any manner, I would adore any comments you would want to leave <3


End file.
